


Things Maze Is No Longer Allowed To Do

by Aeshna_cyanea



Series: The Legions of Terror [1]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Babysitting, Crack, F/F, F/M, Feelings, Fluff, Gen, Glitter, Humor, Linda/Amenadiel (mentioned), List of Rules, Maze will not stop smirking, Multi, Plot creeping in, Pregnancy, The Drone Warriors, The Hellspawn, The Legions of Terror, Torchwood References
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2018-10-31 19:42:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10906161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aeshna_cyanea/pseuds/Aeshna_cyanea
Summary: A list of things Maze is no longer allowed to do since she and Lucifer came to L.A.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Список запретов для Мэйз](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11674671) by [dzenka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dzenka/pseuds/dzenka)



> Italics denote comments on a rule. The commenter is named for each comment.  
> Rules marked with a * were provided by others. The originator of the rule is named in the end notes of the chapter.

  1. Not allowed to kill humans just because they piss me off.
  2. Not allowed to kill humans without Lucifer's explicit permission, except if it means saving a life.
  3. Not allowed to kill humans without Lucifer's explicit permission, except if it means saving a human life.
  4. Not allowed to kill humans without Lucifer's explicit permission, except if it means saving a human life, right here and now. Not potentially in some completely hypothetical future, where the person in question might end up killing someone by causing a car accident or whatever.
  5. Not allowed to goad humans who piss me off into attacking me, so I can claim I killed them in self-defense. I am perfectly capable of defending myself against humans without killing them.
  6. Not allowed to put humans who piss me off into a coma, permanent vegetative state, or similar condition, either.
  7. Not allowed to maim or mutilate humans just because they piss me off.
  8. Not allowed to show humans who piss me off my true face.
  9. If I absolutely have to kill a human, I must dispose of the corpse in such a way that neither Lucifer nor I can be connected with it in any way.
  10. Not allowed to use 'The devil made me do it' as an explanation for any action taken.
  11. Not even if I was acting on Lucifer's explicit orders.
  12. Not allowed to spike people's drinks with illegal substances, unless they are asking for it.
  13. Being an annoying ass is not the same as asking for it, at least not as regards rule 12.
  14. Not allowed to spike people's drinks with technically legal substances which affect humans, either.
  15. Not allowed to exchange people's drinks for any other substances, unless the recipient specifically requests it.
  16. Not allowed to accept sexual favors as payment for drinks.
  17. Not allowed to keep any humans as sex slaves.
  18. Not even if they beg me to do it.
  19. 'I was bored' is not a sufficient explanation for anything I have done.
  20. Neither is 'just for fun'.
  21. Or 'because I felt like it'.
  22. Not allowed to change the staff uniforms at LUX to leather chaps and G-strings/posing pouches. No matter how much 'visual interest' it adds to the club.
  23. Not allowed to keep the horse I won in a poker game in the guest bedroom of the penthouse.
  24. Not allowed to keep the horse in my own room, or anywhere else in the penthouse, either.
  25. Not allowed to keep any animals in the penthouse.
  26. This includes hellhounds.



_How did that one get here, anyway? - Lucifer._

_Probably decided to come after me when we didn't return home. He's always been a bit clingy. Not unlike a certain human spawn. - Maze._

_Well, I'm not having him here in the penthouse. - Lucifer._

_Alright, I'll take care of it. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to give the detective's spawn a hellhound.



          _But it's the perfect solution! He likes her, the kid wants a dog, and Lucifer won't let me keep him at the penthouse. And he'll protect her! - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to throw my demon knives at Lucifer to prove a point.
  2. Not allowed to get emotionally attached to any of Lucifer's siblings.
  3. Especially not when I'm having sex with them.
  4. Not allowed to keep any humans as pets.
  5. Not allowed to 'borrow' Lucifer's Corvette without asking.
  6. Not allowed to give the detective's spawn a ride in the Corvette
  7. Not allowed to let the detective's spawn drive the Corvette with my help.
  8. Not allowed to let the detective's spawn attempt to drive the Corvette without my help.
  9. Not allowed to win any humans in poker games.
  10. Not allowed to teach the detective's spawn how to disable a car's child lock mechanisms.



          _That wasn't me, that was Lucifer! - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to teach the detective's spawn how to pick locks.



          _That was Lucifer, too! - Maze_

  1. When the detective's spawn asks me what I am thinking, I am not allowed to tell her if my thoughts were about sex, violence, violent sex, torture, or drugs.
  2. Not allowed to tell the detective's spawn bedtime stories about the various creative ways in which I tortured damned souls in Hell.
  3. Even if she really likes those stories, and has no problems sleeping afterwards.
  4. Not allowed to answer accusations that I am a devil-worshipper with 'I don't worship him. His ego is overblown enough already'.
  5. Not allowed to answer accusations that I am a devil-worshipper with 'Only in bed. And only if he asks really nicely'.
  6. I am not the spawn's pet demon.
  7. The only one allowed to claim me as his demon is Lucifer.




	2. Chapter 2

  1. Not allowed to teach the detective's spawn how to play poker.



          _Ha! Too late, the kid is a fast learner. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to teach the detective's spawn how to cheat at poker.
  2. Not allowed to talk Lucifer into joining a little poker game with the detective's spawn and her friends, then reveal that they are playing strip poker, and then watch gleefully as the devil loses his last shirt (literally) to a bunch of eight year olds.
  3. Not allowed to have a poker night with the detective's spawn and several of her school friends at the penthouse.
  4. Not allowed to hold a workshop 'on the practical applications of certain mathematical and psychological principles' for the detective's spawn and several of her school friends at the penthouse either. Poker night by any other name is still poker night.
  5. Not allowed to have poker night down at the club.
  6. Not allowed to take the kids to any gambling dens for poker night.
  7. Having the vice squad raid the hotel suite I rented for poker night because they got an anonymous tip about an illegal gambling operation, only to find a group of eight year olds playing for candies, is not funny.
  8. Especially not when the parents of one of the kids are both cops and know several of the officers involved in the raid.
  9. The four basic food groups are not alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and cocaine.
  10. Not allowed to let Lucifer eat the results of my cooking experiments without tasting them myself first.
  11. Not allowed to teach the detective's spawn and her friends the basic principles of the bookie's art, and then take them to the racetrack for some practice.
  12. Not allowed to take the detective's spawn and her friends to a candy shop to spend all the proceeds from above activity, and then return the kids to their unsuspecting parents just as the effects of the sugar high set in.
  13. Not allowed to pay for the kids' shopping spree at the candy store with my own money, and then return the kids to their unsuspecting parents just as the effects of the sugar high set in.
  14. Not allowed to feed the kids large amounts of sugar right before sending them home to their parents.
  15. Not allowed to feed the kids large amounts of caffeine right before sending them home to their parents, either.
  16. Not allowed to invite the detective's spawn and her friends to go skinny-dipping in the Jacuzzi while Lucifer is around.
  17. Not allowed to invite the detective's spawn and her friends to go skinny-dipping in the Jacuzzi while Lucifer is away without informing him, so that he comes home to find naked kids running around. He and I know that he would never ever be interested in them in any way, but their parents - including the detective and her ex-Douche - will still object.
  18. Not allowed to point out the hypocrisy of them objecting to Lucifer seeing their daughters naked while having no problem with me seeing the girls naked.
  19. Not allowed to invite the detective's spawn and her friends to a sleepover at the penthouse without making certain that Lucifer is spending the night elsewhere.
  20. Not allowed to let the detective's spawn and her friends have a pillow fight on Lucifer's bed.
  21. Especially not if he is actually sleeping in it at the time.
  22. Not allowed to teach the detective's spawn and her friends my version of self-defense (i. e. attack first and make sure you take down your enemy).
  23. 'The best defense is a good offense' is not a sufficient reason for teaching the kids to attack first.
  24. Not allowed to turn the detective's spawn and her friends into my own private prepubescent Legions of Terror.



          _They chose that name for themselves! - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror to greet Lucifer with a group hug attack whenever they see him.
  2. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror to greet Lucifer with a chorus of "Hail Lucifer", or any equivalent phrase.
  3. Especially not at the school's annual picnic, in front of the kids' parents.
  4. Not allowed to refer to the members of the Legions of Terror as maggots, even if they like it. At least not in front of their parents.
  5. Not allowed to have a water balloon fight with the Legions of Terror in the penthouse.
  6. Or Chloe's place.
  7. Or Dan's place.
  8. Or the house/apartment where any member of the Legions of Terror lives.
  9. Not allowed to incite the Legions of Terror to start a water balloon fight at the school picnic.
  10. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror about all the other fun things you can fill a water balloon with.
  11. Not allowed to instruct the Legions of Terror in guerrilla warfare.
  12. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to turn ordinary household items into weapons.
  13. While teaching the Legions of Terror how to get out of various restraints is a good idea, I am not allowed to "borrow" the detective's handcuffs for it without asking.
  14. Also not allowed to use any of Lucifer's or my own "fun" handcuffs.
  15. Even if padded handcuffs are probably better for this sort of training when kids are involved.
  16. Not allowed to use specialized adult magazines as illustrative material when teaching the Legions of Terror about the various ways you can tie someone up.
  17. Not allowed to let any humans sell me their souls.
  18. Not allowed to use unaware, sleeping or unconscious humans as teaching aids when giving instructions about human anatomy.
  19. Not allowed to use sleeping non-humans either, especially when the non-human in question is the devil.
  20. Not allowed to hire, bribe, blackmail or threaten any humans into serving as live teaching aids either.
  21. Not allowed to use my own naked body as an example to teach the kids about human anatomy.
  22. Not allowed to procure dead humans as teaching aids for my anatomy lessons.
  23. Absolutely not allowed to take the kids on an excursion to the morgue to teach them about human anatomy.
  24. ~~No longer allowed to teach them about human anatomy at all.~~ (Rule rescinded after prolonged, extremely vocal protests by the students.)
  25. Not allowed to incite the Legions of Terror to protest any rules I don't like.



_If I did that they would protest each and every rule. They're only protesting the ones they themselves don't like. - Maze_


	3. Chapter 3

  1. It is most definitely not better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, and I am not allowed to tell the Legions of Terror otherwise.
  2. The Legions of Terror do not need to know that Lucifer likes it when I beg.
  3. And they also do not need to know that he likes it even more when I make him beg.
  4. Not allowed to make delicious food like lasagna and tiramisu for the Legions of Terror without saving a portion for Lucifer.



_What? But Maze can't cook. I've seen what she calls food. I even had the misfortune of tasting some of it when it was her turn to cook dinner. – Chloe_

_Of course she can cook. I taught her myself. Wait, you made Maze cook dinner for you, and presumably your spawn? I think I am beginning to see what happened. – Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to deliberately serve up something completely inedible when Chloe tells me it's my turn to make dinner, just to get out of cooking duty.
  2. Not allowed to threaten Lucifer with violence for revealing to Chloe that I can cook.
  3. Not allowed to refer to the portion saved for Lucifer from any of the delicious things I make for my Legions of Terror as 'the devil's share' in front of the kid's parents. It makes them think I'm turning their daughters into devil-worshippers.
  4. 'They aren't worshipping him, they're just cozying up to him because they hope he'll reward them' is not the right way to convince them otherwise.
  5. Not allowed to give every member of the Legions of Terror a knife and instruct them to carry it with them at all times. The school objects to kids carrying knives.
  6. Knives are not a girl’s best friends.
  7. "Knifeology" is not a subject every girl needs to know, and I am not allowed to start a petition to put it on the curriculum of the spawn's school.
  8. I am not the professor of Knifeology.
  9. Even if it says so on my business cards.
  10. I am also not a certified Knifeologist.
  11. Not allowed to make the Legions of Terror memorize a modified version of the rifleman's creed, adapted for knifes.
  12. Not allowed to give them rifles and teach them the original rifleman's creed, either.
  13. Even if they were just paintball rifles.
  14. Most definitely not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to handle actual guns of any kind.
  15. This includes cannons.



_For Hell's sake, Maze, where did you even get an authentic 19th century artillery piece in perfect working order? – Lucifer_

_Won it in a poker game. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to scare people into handing over more candy when out trick-or-treating with the spawn. *
  2. Not allowed to scare people into handing over money when out trick-or-treating with the spawn. *
  3. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror the correct ritual to summon the devil. Anybody who wants to reach Lucifer can use the phone.
  4. Not allowed to hand out Lucifer's phone number to the Legions of Terror.
  5. Not even for emergency use only.
  6. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror obscene and/or offensive alternative lyrics for various popular songs.
  7. Even if Lucifer likes them.
  8. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror obscene and/or offensive alternative lyrics for any songs, popular or not.
  9. Especially not the ones they are supposed to sing at the annual school concert.



_I didn't teach them those lyrics, they came up with them themselves! - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to help the Legions of Terror come up with obscene and/or offensive alternative lyrics for any songs.
  2. Not allowed to help the Legions of Terror come up with obscene and/or offensive lyrics for any instrumental pieces of music, either.
  3. Not allowed to instruct the members of the Legions of Terror to stop whatever they are doing whenever Lucifer enters the room, stare intently at him for a second or so, giggle maliciously, and then resume their activities.
  4. Not allowed to instruct them to do the same to Amenadiel, Dan, Chloe, or any other adult who has annoyed them.
  5. The St. Trinians comics and movies (all of them) are not educational materials for teaching proper conduct to the Legions of Terror.
  6. 'Get your blow in first!' is not an appropriate motto for the Legions of Terror.
  7. Neither is any equivalent phrase.
  8. Not even if it is in a language other than English.
  9. This includes non-human languages.
  10. Not allowed to encourage the Legions of Terror to behave like bloodthirsty little demons.



_They are little girls. They are perfectly capable of behaving like bloodthirsty demons without any sort of encouragement. - Maze_

  1. Still not allowed to encourage them in this type of behavior.
  2. Not allowed to instruct the Legions of Terror to boo and/or hiss every time someone mentions ~~God~~ the g-word.
  3. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror insist that everybody around them refer to God as 'the g-word'.
  4. Not allowed to instruct the Legions of Terror to refer to the Bible as a load of bullshit.



_But detective, Maze is right there! - Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to instruct the Legions of Terror to refer to the Bible as enemy propaganda.



_That's the truth! - Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to tell the Legions of Terror 'what really happened' in all those Bible stories.
  2. Not allowed to talk Lucifer into telling them 'the true stories' either.
  3. Not allowed to provide the Legions of Terror with a list of questions for their Sunday school teachers/other religious instructors.



_You can ignore this rule, Maze. - Lucifer._

  1. Not allowed to hand out rewards to any members of the Legions of Terror who manage to make their Sunday school teacher/other religious instructor cry.



_Please let me know the name of the little maggot in question, Maze. I want to congratulate her, and contribute a little something. Oh, and of course ignore this rule. - Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to throw a celebration party whenever a member of the Legions of Terror gets herself kicked out of Sunday school/other religious classes.



_Same with this one. - Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to let Lucifer know whenever a member of the Legions of Terror gets herself kicked out of Sunday school/other religious classes, so that he can throw a celebration party for her.



_You can forget about that rule, Decker. Lucifer is still my Lord. If he orders me to tell him something, I do. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to get your friend the spook to talk his friend the genius hacker into giving the Legions of Terror lessons in "IT security" (a.k.a. hacking).



_Ianto is not a spook. - Maze_

_He works for some shadowy, secret government organization. He is a spook. - Lucifer_

_He - allegedly - used to work for a shadowy secret organization that is allegedly entirely outside the government. Beyond the police. Right across the square from the pizza delivery service. Allegedly. And his friend is not a hacker. She's an all-round evil genius. - Maze_

  1. It is NOT only a crime if they catch you.
  2. Not allowed to claim that human laws don't apply to me because I answer to a higher power.
  3. Lucifer does not count as a higher power.



_I most certainly do, Detective! - Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to appeal to Lucifer to overturn any rules imposed by Detective Decker.
  2. And vice versa.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Rules 115. and 116. were provided by mishasan7
> 
> And for those wondering, Rule 145. is a reference to Torchwood, and specifically to Ianto Jones and Toshiko Sato.


	4. Chapter 4

  1. Not allowed to let the spawn adopt me as her older sister.
  2. Not allowed to adopt the spawn as my little sister, either.
  3. Not allowed to make a blood-oath with the spawn so that we can be blood-sisters.



_But she wants us to be sisters, and I like the idea! - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to call Chloe mommy.
  2. Not allowed to tell Lucifer that when he and Chloe get together he's going to be my step-daddy.



_Seriously, Maze. Don't even joke about that. - Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to make the Legions of Terror pledge their eternal loyalty to me.



_They decided to do that themselves. I didn’t ask them to! - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror pledge their eternal loyalty to Lucifer.
  2. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror hold a recruitment drive for new members.
  3. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror form press gangs to forcibly recruit some of their schoolmates.
  4. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror ‘shanghai’ any of their siblings, classmates, or anybody else.
  5. Not allowed to get the Legions of Terror to go after Amenadiel until the mere sight of any group of little girls gives him a panic attack.



_I didn't do anything! If Amenadiel doesn't want my little maggots to terrorize him, then he should be nicer to me. Or at least have the good sense not to be mean to me where they can overhear. The little darlings can be quite protective, you know. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to call children parasites. At least not in front of their parents.
  2. 'Lucifer does it, too' is not a valid reason for me being allowed to do something.
  3. Not allowed to help the Legions of Terror plan any ambushes.
  4. Even if they are ambushing a bunch of bullies.
  5. Not allowed to provide the Legions of Terror with paint-ball guns as weapons for their ambush.
  6. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to modify their paint-ball guns to make them more painful.
  7. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror about freezing the paint-ball bullets before using them.



_Too late. They know that one already. They do have the internet, you know. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to counter Chloe's claim that alcohol doesn't solve anything with 'no alcohol is no solution, either'.
  2. Not allowed to counter Chloe's claim that alcohol doesn't solve anything by citing examples where alcohol is used as an industrial solvent.
  3. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to make stink-bombs in Lucifer's kitchen.
  4. Or anywhere else in the penthouse.
  5. Not even on the balcony.
  6. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to make stink-bombs in anybody else's house/apartment.
  7. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to make stink-bombs at all.
  8. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to make any kinds of bombs.
  9. Not allowed to leave my toys lying around anywhere in the apartment I share with Chloe and her spawn, except for my own bedroom.
  10. Not allowed to let the spawn play with any of my toys.
  11. Not allowed to refer to members of the Legions of Terror as terrorists.
  12. Especially not in front of any members of the LAPD, FBI, or Homeland Security.
  13. Not allowed to talk Lucifer into playing Truth or Dare with the spawn and me, then dare him to let the spawn ride him like a pony.
  14. Not allowed to hand the spawn one of my riding crops when Lucifer is playing pony for her.
  15. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to summon any of Lucifer's siblings.



_And why would you want to do that, anyway? - Lucifer._

_For target practice. - Maze._

_What? - Lucifer._

_Throwing stink-bombs accurately is not as easy as it sounds, you know. Especially with a moving target. - Maze._

_You let them throw stink-bombs at one of my siblings? Which one did you get? - Lucifer._

_So far? Michael, Gabriel, Puriel, Jophkiel, and Sariel. And Amenadiel, of course, but he doesn't count. We didn't need any ritual to get him. - Maze._

_Oh, Maze, you wonderfully devious darling. I love you. Forget about this rule. – Lucifer_

_With pleasure. Oh, and you might want to give the detective's spawn a reward. – Maze_

_How so? – Lucifer_

_She nailed Michael right between the eyes with a particularly nasty stink bomb. – Maze_

_Then she most definitely deserves to be rewarded. Thank you for letting me know. Too bad I wasn't there, I would have loved to see it. – Lucifer_

_About that: we filmed it. You know, for educational purposes. And blackmail, of course. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to use 'the devil ordered me to do it' as an explanation for anything I do when acting on Lucifer's explicit orders.
  2. Not allowed to use 'because Satan commands it' as an explanation for my actions, either.
  3. Nor any equivalent phrase.
  4. Not allowed to throw dirty dishes into the trash instead of washing them.



_You make Maze do the dishes? Detective, even I wouldn't dare do that, and I am her Lord and Master. - Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to pay or otherwise bribe the spawn to do the dishes for me.
  2. Not allowed to tell Dan about Chloe's drunken one-night-stand with me.
  3. Not allowed to tell Lucifer about it either.



_Too late. Besides, I had to tell him. How else was I supposed to collect on that little bet we had running? - Maze._

_WHAT?! You two had a bet about which one of you slept with me first?! -Chloe_

  1. Not allowed to give Lucifer a detailed account of my drunken one-night-stand with Chloe.
  2. No matter how much he begs.
  3. Or how much he pays me.
  4. Not even if he offers to give me the Corvette in exchange.
  5. Not allowed to let Lucifer tell Dan about Chloe's drunken one-night-stand with me.
  6. Not allowed to take advantage of drunk Chloe ever again.



_Hey! I was drunk, too! And she seduced me! It's not my fault that she is a horny drunk! - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to let drunk and horny Chloe take advantage of me ever again, either.
  2. Not allowed to tell Dan that Chloe said that the sex with me was the best she ever had.



_That's just because she hasn't had sex with me yet. - Lucifer  
_

_In your dreams. - Chloe_

_Quite frequently, Detective. - Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to anonymously call the spawn's school with a bomb threat so that school closes early and I can take her and the other members of the Legions of Terror to the zoo.
  2. The appropriate response when confronted about above call is not 'You can't prove a thing!'




	5. Chapter 5

  1. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror perform psychological experiments on their parents, siblings, teachers, classmates, or Lucifer.
  2. Not allowed to make Chloe think that Dan and Lucifer had a one-night-stand.
  3. Especially if I do so by knocking Dan out and putting him naked into Lucifer's bed while Lucifer is sleeping, and then take pictures of them.
  4. Not allowed to show Chloe the video of what happened when Dan woke up.
  5. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to mix drinks.
  6. Not allowed to let any member or members of the Legions of Terror demonstrate anything I taught them in my self-defense training on any unsuspecting humans or devils.
  7. The fact that the spawn easily managed to knock Lucifer off his feet and pin him to the ground with his arms twisted behind his back does not mean he must let me teach him self-defense, too.
  8. Not allowed to get Chloe to pester Lucifer about getting self-defense lessons.
  9. Not allowed to get Chloe to convince Lucifer to agree to self-defense lessons on the assumption that she would be training him, only to have her hand him over to me.
  10. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror offer constructive criticism while I give Lucifer self-defense lessons.
  11. Not allowed to recruit the Legions of Terror as assistants for Lucifer's self-defense lessons.
  12. Not allowed to claim that Chloe is secretly a super villain.
  13. Chloe's secret super villain name is not 'Miss Killjoy'.
  14. A 'wall of knives' is not a great way to decorate the living room.
  15. Not allowed to put any maggots into Lucifer's bed.
  16. Even if the maggots in question are members of the Legions of Terror who just wanted to take a nap.



          _Why the hell didn't you put them in one of the guest bedrooms? Or your own bed, for that matter? - Lucifer._

_They didn't all fit into my bed. And someone *glares at the devil* left the guest bedrooms in one hell of a mess. - Maze._

  1. Not allowed to refer to the aftermath of Lucifer's fight with Amenadiel, or any other chaos he leaves behind, as a 'Satanic mess'.
  2. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror negotiation tactics that would make a Ferengi proud.
  3. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror negotiation tactics that would make even a Ferengi have second thoughts.
  4. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to come out on top when making a deal with the devil.



         _If the devil can't get the better of an eight year old when making a deal, then he deserves what he gets. - Maze._

  1. Not allowed to knock Dan out, strip him naked, and leave him in various embarrassing places, every time he pisses me off. *
  2. Not even if I'm pissed off because he hurt the spawn, the detective, or Lucifer.



          _Detective, are you sure this rule is wise? Maze will just find another method of punishing him, and the next one may not be harmless. -Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror watch any movie they choose on movie night.
  2. Especially not if they choose something from Lucifer's porn collection.
  3. Particularly if it is homemade porn featuring Lucifer and/or myself.
  4. If the thought of doing anything with the spawn or the Legions of Terror makes me cackle with glee, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.



          _I do not cackle! - Maze_

  1. If the thought of doing anything with the spawn or the Legions of Terror makes me laugh, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
  2. If the thought of doing anything with the spawn or the Legions of Terror makes me grin and rub my hands in anticipation, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.



          _You might as well give up now, Detective. All you are achieving is that Maze is getting better at keeping her poker face. And I would strongly recommend that you do not try to institute a rule that she has to get approval for any planned activities with her little terrors. Knowing my demon the way I do, I can safely say that you would not like the consequences of that. - Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror's rocket club how to make fireworks.
  2. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror's rocket club how to make rocket fuel.
  3. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to make any explosive of highly flammable chemicals.
  4. This includes making alcohol.
  5. Not allowed to provide the Legions of Terror's rocket club with a rocket launcher.



          _But it's a rocket club! They need a rocket launcher! – Maze._

_Not a military one! – Chloe_

  1. Not allowed to provide the Legions of Terror with military equipment of any kind.
  2. Except backpacks.
  3. And clothing.
  4. And rations.



          _MREs? Really? I call that a cruel and unusual punishment. – Lucifer._

_I didn't get them for them to eat. – Maze._

  1. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to make 'MRE bombs'.
  2. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror's rocket club build their own ballistic missile.
  3. Not allowed to claim that anything about the U.S. tax code is straightforward or logical in any way.



          _But it is! - Maze._

_That's because you are a demon, my darling Maze. The tax code is the product of sick and twisted minds, and was created with the express purpose of causing suffering and despair in all those who come into contact with it. Of course understanding it comes naturally to you. - Lucifer._

  1. Not allowed to brag about the fact that my bookkeeping for LUX can make grown IRS investigators and forensic accountants cry and tear their hair in frustration.
  2. Not allowed to threaten to castrate Lucifer if he uses cutesy nicknames/endearments for me.



          _I didn't.  - Maze._

_Yes, you did. - Lucifer._

_No, I didn't. It wasn't your balls I was threatening to cut off. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to threaten Lucifer with any sort of violence.



          _Except when he won't stop singing that stupid song about Maze and Chloe sitting in a tree. You have my permission to hurt him if it'll shut him up, Maze. - Chloe_

  1. Not allowed to let Lucifer catch Chloe and me kissing.
  2. 'I was distracted by you shoving your tongue down my throat' is not an acceptable explanation for why I didn't notice Lucifer was near.
  3. Not allowed to suggest a threesome between Lucifer, Chloe and myself as the easiest way of shutting him up.



          _But Detective, that's an excellent idea! - Lucifer._

  1. 'It's not like it would be the first time you're naked in his bed, and at least this time you'd have some fun' is not a valid argument for having a threesome.
  2. Not allowed to let the spawn catch Chloe and me kissing.
  3. Not allowed to encourage the spawn to pester her mother with questions about whether or not I am her girlfriend.
  4. Not allowed to tell the Legions of Terror that the only rule they should always follow is 'When you break rules, break 'em good and hard.'



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Rule 221. was inspired by a comment from General_Zargon  
> The one rule to always follow in Rule 250. comes from Terry Pratchett's wonderful Discworld novel Wyrd Sisters.


	6. Chapter 6

  1. The members of the Legions of Terror do not have military ranks.
  2. Not allowed to temporarily hand over command to any member of the Legions of Terror.
  3. Not allowed to let the temporary Commander of the Legions of Terror order me to do anything that's forbidden by the rules.
  4. Not allowed to talk Lucifer into writing his own version of the gospel, so that the Legions of Terror can have a full account of the true story.



_That's actually not a bad idea, Maze. - Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to tell the Legions of Terror that 'an insult to one is an insult to all'.
  2. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror that any insult needs to be paid back with interest.
  3. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror any weather magic. A white Christmas only sounds fun until you have to deal with the chaos caused by a freak snow storm in LA on December 24.
  4. Not allowed to summon demon horses to give the Legions of Terror riding lessons.



_But why not? They are the ideal horses for that! They won't suddenly panic, or throw off a kid, or otherwise hurt them. And Forni has missed me. - Maze._

_Who or what is Forni? - Chloe._

_Forni is Maze's favorite demon horse. It's short for 'Fornication'. - Lucifer._

_Of course Maze would ride a horse named Fornication. - Chloe._

  1. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to summon demon horses, so that they can go riding whenever they want.
  2. Not allowed to let anybody know that Chloe and I had another one-night-stand.



_I thought neither of you was allowed to take advantage of the other ever again. - Lucifer._

_It's not taking advantage if both parties want it. - Maze._

  1. Not allowed to change Chloe's ringtone for me to 'Oops I did it again'.
  2. Two one-night-stands do not mean we are having a sexual/romantic relationship.
  3. Not allowed to ask how many one-night-stands would count as a relationship.
  4. Not allowed to refer to Chloe as my girlfriend.
  5. Not allowed to refer to Chloe as my sex-slave.
  6. Or any other term that implies an intimate and/or sexual relationship between us.
  7. Not allowed to refer to Chloe as my pet human.
  8. Not allowed to refer to Chloe as Lucifer's pet human, either.
  9. Not allowed to destroy Lucifer's phone to prevent him from showing anybody the pictures he took of me and the Legions of Terror during our latest sleepover.



_You looked so cute there, fast asleep with the little maggots draped all over you! And you were wearing pajamas! Pink pajamas with polka dots! Nobody will believe me how absolutely adorable you looked without photographic evidence! - Lucifer._

_That's right. I don't believe it. I mean, Maze asleep with a bunch of kids draped over her, okay. Maze wearing pajamas at a Legions of Terror sleepover, sure. But not pink polka dot ones. No way. - Chloe._

_Thank you. - Maze._

_But Detective, I swear that's what she was wearing! Ask your daughter if you don't believe me. - Lucifer._

_I will. - Chloe._

_In that case you should also ask her how much he paid her to confirm his story. – Maze._

_What?! Lucifer! - Chloe._

  1. Rules that concern the Legions of Terror do not need to be voted on by them, and ratified by a 2/3 majority.
  2. Not allowed to instruct the Legions of Terror to complain about religious persecution whenever someone doesn't believe that Lucifer is the devil, or that I am a demon.
  3. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror psychological warfare tactics.
  4. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror psychological torture methods.
  5. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror physical torture methods, either.
  6. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to throw fireballs.



_For Hell's sake, Maze, the world does not need a bunch of adolescent pyromaniacs who can throw fireballs! - Lucifer._

_That's the world's problem, not mine. Knowing how to make fire is an important skill. Even the bloody Girl Scouts teach it! -Maze._

_Yes, by rubbing sticks together or something like that! - Lucifer._

_Pffft, that method is way too slow. You never know when you'll need to set something on fire in a hurry. - Maze._

  1. Not allowed to gloat over the fact that I managed to get Chloe into bed before Lucifer.
  2. Not allowed to tell Lucifer that Chloe has sworn off men and we are together now.
  3. No matter how funny I find the look on his face.
  4. Not allowed to tell Dan that Chloe has sworn off men and we are together now, either.
  5. Even if Lucifer dares me to do it because he wants to see the look on Dan's face.
  6. Not allowed to make up my own rules and claim that they supersede Lucifer's and Chloe's.
  7. Not allowed to let the members of the Legions of Terror read and/or borrow any books they want from Lucifer's library.
  8. Particularly not the books about sex, magic, sex magic, torture, poisons, drugs, or botany.



_Why botany? - Chloe._

_Most of them fall under the poisons and/or drugs category. And the rest isn't suitable for children, either. - Lucifer_

  1. Any reading material I hand out to the Legions of Terror must be vetted by Lucifer and the detective. Sun Tsu, Macchiavelli, von Clausewitz and Rommel are not suitable reading material for eight year olds. Neither is the Kama Sutra, the Anarchist's Cookbook, Fanny Hill, the memoirs of the Marquis de Sade, or the Necronomicon. No matter how interesting or hilarious the kids find any of them.



_But they're classics! And the detective said that it's important to have read the classics! - Maze._

_Not those classics! I meant stuff like Shakespeare, and Jane Austen. - Chloe._

_Boring! - Maze._

  1. Not allowed to explain to the Legions of Terror how most of the jokes in Shakespeare's plays are about sex.
  2. When given permission to read the works of James Joyce with the Legions of Terror, that does not include his letters to his wife.



_But they're the only good thing he has written! - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror build a tiger trap in the park.
  2. Or anywhere else that unsuspecting people could stumble into it.
  3. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to build any other traps.
  4. Not allowed to make Chloe walk in on Lucifer and me having sex.



_I just wanted you to know what you are missing by refusing to have a threesome with us! - Maze._

_I am never. Ever. Ever going to have a threesome with you two. - Chloe._

_But Detective! - Lucifer._

_Don't worry, she said the same thing about sleeping with me, and we all know how that turned out. And she certainly did take a nice long look before stomping off in a huff. - Maze_

  1. The Legions of Terror do not need a uniform.
  2. Especially not if it involves leather and chains.
  3. The Legions of Terror are not a religious organization.
  4. Lucifer is not the patron saint of the Legions of Terror.
  5. And he is most definitely not their mascot.
  6. Not allowed to get the spawn to tell Dan that I am her new step-mommy.
  7. Even if it is in retaliation for his new girlfriend telling the kid that she was going to be her step-mommy.
  8. Not allowed to seduce Dan's new girlfriend to prove that she is a skank.
  9. Even if the spawn hates her and wants her gone.
  10. Not allowed to take other measures to get rid of any girlfriend of Dan's that the spawn doesn't like.




	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there are three rules (313 - 315) in here that refer to potential child abuse/mistreatment.

  1. Not allowed to tell the Legions of Terror that the Goblin King is real and can be called to steal away annoying siblings.
  2. Not allowed to trick Lucifer into babysitting the spawn so that Chloe and I can have naked fun time together.
  3. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to make a shrunken head.
  4. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to make a voodoo doll that actually works.
  5. Not allowed to act insufferably smug because Chloe finally agreed to a threesome with me and Lucifer.
  6. Not allowed to tease Chloe about the fact that our threesome was exactly as great as I always claimed it would be.
  7. Not allowed to tease Lucifer about the fact that he couldn't get Chloe into bed without my help and participation.
  8. Not allowed to suggest that we invite Dan and make it a foursome next time.
  9. Not even if I just wanted to see the looks on Chloe's and Lucifer's face.
  10. Not allowed to let Lucifer know that Chloe likes it when I make her beg.
  11. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror any black magic.
  12. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror about the Dark Arts under the disguise of a 'Defense against the Dark Arts' class.
  13. Not allowed to let any member of the Legions of Terror put 'the fear of Maze' into her younger siblings by telling them all sorts of horrible stories about me.



_Oh, which one of the maggots has done that? - Maze_

_Julia. Are you trying to claim that you didn't know about it? - Chloe_

_I didn't. I must congratulate her on finding such a creative way of finally dealing with the little pest, though. - Maze_

_Her poor little brother is absolutely terrified, Maze! He has nightmares! Her mother told me he wakes up screaming every night! - Chloe_

_Good. He deserves it. - Maze_

_How can you say that? He's five! And he's always such a sweet, well-behaved little boy when I meet him. - Chloe_

_He's a sadistic little psychopath in the making. If you don't believe me, ask Julia. Let her show you the bruises and bite-marks she gets from him all the time. - Maze_

  1. If I suspect that any of my maggots is mistreated or abused, I must inform Lucifer. I am not allowed to just take matters into my own hands.
  2. If I suspect that any of my maggots is mistreated or abused, I must inform Chloe. Lucifer and I are not allowed to just take matters into our own hands.
  3. Not allowed to make Chloe almost choke to death by showing her still images taken from LUX's CCTV of Dan wearing her pink work-out clothes while she is eating.



_I was just trying to cheer you up! - Maze_

_I know, Maze, and I appreciate it. And those pictures did cheer me up. Just, next time, wait until I don't have a mouth full of food, or give me a little warning so I can swallow first. - Chloe_

  1. Not allowed to give either Chloe or Lucifer 'helpful tips' for their first night together without me.
  2. Not allowed to ask either of them for a detailed account of their first night together without me.
  3. Not allowed to have the sex talk with the spawn or any other member of the Legions of Terror.



_Okay, first of all, it wasn't a sex talk, I was just answering a question. Second, the maggots already know all about human reproduction. - Maze_

_What?! - Chloe_

_Remember rules 88 - 93? About the anatomy lessons? Did you think I'd just leave out the parts about human reproductive organs? Besides, the maggots have the internet. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to knock Dan out, dress him in women's clothing, and leave him in various embarrassing places because he pissed me off.
  2. Not allowed to knock Dan out, dress him in women's lingerie, and leave him in various embarrassing places because he pissed me off.
  3. Not allowed to knock Dan out, dress him in fetish gear, and leave him in various embarrassing places because he pissed me off.
  4. Not allowed to knock Dan out at all.
  5. Not allowed to drug, taser, or tranquilize Dan, either.
  6. Not allowed to simply overpower Dan, and do any of the things specified in rules 221 and 320 - 322.
  7. When Chloe gives permission for the Legions of Terror to adopt a cat as their mascot, she means a member of the species Felis Catus, not a member of any other species of the family Felidae.
  8. Not allowed to continue pestering Chloe about moving into the apartment directly beneath Lucifer's penthouse.



_But it's bigger than our current place, and the rent is lower! - Maze._

_Yes, and that's what worries me. Something must be wrong with the place if they're willing to rent it out that cheaply. Probably the noise from all the parties upstairs. - Chloe_

_No, the soundproofing between apartments is pretty good, you can't hear anything in the one below, no matter how noisy the party upstairs gets. - Maze_

_Well, something has to be wrong with the place for the rent to be that low, and I'm not going to move in there only to get some unpleasant surprise. - Chloe_

_There's nothing wrong with the place! Look, I didn't want to tell you this, but the reason the rent is so cheap is because I know the owner. - Maze_

_What do you mean, you know the owner? The whole building is owned by that developer who wanted to tear it down, and there's no way she is giving you a friendly little discount. - Lucifer_

_No, it's not owned by her anymore. After Chloe got it listed as a historic landmark and ruined her development plans, she sold it. I know the new owner. - Maze_

_And who exactly is that? - Chloe_

_Officially, a holding company registered in the Cayman Islands. - Maze_

_Mazikeen. Answer the question. - Lucifer_

_Alright, fine. Technically, I am the owner. - Maze_

_What?! - Chloe_

_Where the Hell did you get the money for that, Maze? - Lucifer_

_I played a bit on the stock market, and did rather well. And there were those three days I spent tracking down that wife-beating piece of scum in Las Vegas. I spent a bit of time in various casinos there. All the money was earned perfectly legally, I assure you! - Maze_

_But why didn't you just say so? - Chloe_

_Would you have agreed to move in with me if I told you I owned the place? - Maze_

_That's why I didn't tell you. - Maze_

_Besides, this way you have an official rental agreement, and I've had the lawyers put in all sorts of clauses so the rent is fixed, and you can keep the place even if this thing between us somehow breaks down. So, are you going to move in there with me? - Maze_

_Maze, I have to think about it, ok? - Chloe_

_Sure. - Maze_

_You really should take her up on the offer. And I'm not just saying this because I'd love to have you both living only a flight of stairs away. It would mean a lot to Maze. - Lucifer_

_I know. - Chloe_

  1. Not allowed to recruit the spawn to convince Chloe to move into the new apartment with me.
  2. Not allowed to act insufferably smug because Chloe agreed to move into the apartment beneath Lucifer's penthouse with me.
  3. Not allowed to give the spawn the access code for the penthouse, so she can go visit Lucifer whenever she likes.
  4. Not allowed to send the spawn to wake up Lucifer. He does not appreciate the spawn's methods of waking him, and Chloe doesn't want the kid to see him naked.



_Why not? A naked body's nothing to be ashamed of. - Maze_

_Especially my naked body. - Lucifer_

_Besides, the spawn knows what naked males look like. She's even seen Lucifer naked before. - Maze_

_What? When? - Chloe_

_Well, let's see. There was the strip poker game, and the sleepover at the penthouse where the spawn and her friends had a pillow fight in his bed while he was sleeping in it, and that one time I used him for my anatomy lessons… - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror sword fighting.
  2. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror fencing.
  3. Or any other fighting technique that involves bladed weapons.
  4. Not allowed to steal Lucifer's brother Michael's sword.



_I didn't steal it, I won it in a fair fight. -Maze_

_Since when do you fight fair? - Lucifer_

_I'm a demon, he's an angel in good standing with your dad. We are sworn enemies, in a constant state of war. All's fair in war. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to tell people who refer to Chloe and me as Lucifer's harem that we're not his harem, he is our boy-toy.



_Seriously, Maze?_ Boy _-toy? Me? - Lucifer_

_Well, I was going to say fuck-toy, but the spawn was present and Chloe doesn't want me to use the f-word around her. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to suggest we throw a celebration party because Chloe has finally admitted that she, Lucifer and I are having some sort of romantic/sexual relationship.
  2. Not allowed to let Chloe fret and worry and work herself up for days over how she is going to explain her new relationship status to her offspring, only to tell her casually that the spawn knows already and is perfectly happy about it.



_And how did she find out anyway? - Chloe_

_She asked me about it, and I explained. She thinks it's cool, and she wants all of us to be happy. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to create Zombies.
  2. No Zombie T-Rex allowed under any circumstances.
  3. Nor any other Zombie dinosaurs.
  4. No Zombie anything allowed at all.
  5. Not allowed to show my real face to Chloe without warning.



_I did give you a warning! I said that if you didn't believe me when I told you that I'm a demon, I'd just have to show you. - Maze_

_So, Chloe knows now? - Lucifer_

_Yes, I know and believe now. About you, too. Maze explained. - Chloe_

_And you're okay with it? Not freaking out? - Lucifer_

_I'm still processing. Not sure if it has really hit me yet. But so far, I'm ok. I did freak out a bit when she showed me, but I'm over it now. - Chloe_

_Good. I was worried you wouldn't take it well. Especially with the whole sleeping with the devil and a demon thing. - Lucifer_

_Lucifer. I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I am in some sort of relationship with a woman and a man, at the same time. And that you two have a long-standing relationship with each other. And that both of you are still having sex with other people. And that this fact doesn't bother me, even though a part of me keeps insisting that it should bother me. And that the woman I'm in a relationship with is Maze. My roommate, with the knives, and the sex toys, and the tendency towards violence, and the extreme aversion against any type of house work. So, the fact that the two people I'm having a relationship with happen to be the devil and his favorite demon are pretty far down on my list of stuff to worry about. Actually, knowing that Maze is a demon helps. At least it explains a lot. - Chloe_

  1. Not allowed to show my real face to the Legions of Terror, no matter how much the spawn begged me to do it, and how cool they find it.



_But why not? They're totally ok with it! I promise not to show it while out in public (except on Halloween), but when we're in private it's nice not to have to wear the glamor every once in a while. - Maze_

_Alright, if they're really ok with it and you keep it in private. - Lucifer_

  1. Knives are not sex toys.



_They can be, in the right hands! -Maze_

_And Maze's hands are definitely the right ones. - Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to sharpen all the knives in the kitchen. Butter knives are not meant to be sharp enough to shave with.
  2. Not allowed to throw away any of Chloe's knives on the basis that they are shitty knives.
  3. Even if I replace them with better ones.
  4. Not allowed to reduce Lucifer to ~~a blubbering wreck~~ tears by tricking him into revealing his true face to the Legions of Terror, only for them to a) be completely unafraid of it, b) be very concerned about it hurting him, and express sympathy for the pain he suffered in the past, c) be completely outraged that his daddy did that to him, and d) solemnly swear bloody vengeance on his dad.



_The kids are perfectly right. - Chloe_

_Told you they'd be okay with it. They like you a lot. They're good little maggots. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to refer to Lucifer as a 'blubbering wreck'.




	8. Chapter 8

  1. Not allowed to let my friend the spook instruct the Legions of Terror in the correct usage of stun guns and tasers.



_Once again, Ianto is not a spook. - Maze_

_Doesn't matter what he claims. If he walks like a spook and talks like a spook, then he is a spook. - Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to let the spook's genius hacker friend teach the Legions of Terror how to build their own stun guns.
  2. Not allowed to let the spook's boyfriend entertain the Legions of Terror with tales about his adventures with aliens.



_Jack is not Ianto's boyfriend. Apparently, finding a mutually acceptable term that expresses what they are for each other is complicated. - Maze_

  1. Especially not if he tells them about his sexual adventures with aliens.
  2. Not allowed to have a threesome with the spook and his 'complicated' without asking if Lucifer can join us.
  3. And Chloe, too.



_Seriously? - Lucifer_

_What? They're hot. - Chloe_

  1. Next time I get together with the genius hacker, I must ask if I can bring along Chloe and make it a threesome.



_Foursome! I want to join you, too. - Lucifer_

_I'm not sure Tosh would go for that. But Jack and Ianto would probably be happy to entertain you while we girls have our fun. - Maze_

  1. Also, must invite Tosh to our next girls' night out with the Tribe.
  2. Not allowed to ever, under any circumstances, let Jack drive Lucifer's Corvette.
  3. Not allowed to let Chloe get into any car Jack is driving without warning her first.
  4. Not allowed to let Jack drive any car with the spawn in it.
  5. Or any other member of the Legions of Terror.
  6. Not allowed to let Jack teach the spawn or the Legions of Terror how to operate any kind of vehicle (car, boat, plane, spaceship, bicycle, skateboard,...).
  7. Not allowed to let Lucifer drink Ianto's coffee in front of the spawn or any other member of the Legions of Terror. They don't need to hear his orgasmic noises.
  8. Not allowed to get the Legions of Terror to ambush Jack's Doctor.
  9. No matter what Ianto offers in exchange.
  10. Not allowed to get pregnant with Lucifer's spawn.
  11. Not allowed to blame Chloe for Lucifer knocking me up.
  12. Not allowed to threaten to castrate Lucifer for knocking me up.
  13. Not allowed to try to get rid of the parasite on my own. Lucifer has promised that he will find a doctor to deal with it safely.
  14. Not allowed to let my hitherto unknown motherly instincts take over and almost kill the doctor who was trying to help me get rid of the parasite.
  15. Not allowed to threaten to kill Lucifer and Chloe for taking away my alcohol and drugs, on account that they are bad for the baby.
  16. Not allowed to threaten to kill Lucifer and Chloe, even if they take away my coffee.
  17. Not allowed to bribe the spawn or any other member of the Legions of Terror to get me coffee.
  18. Not allowed to use my pregnancy as an excuse for making everybody else's life Hell.
  19. Chaos and mayhem are not pregnancy cravings.



_They are for a demon! - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to prove that 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' is wrong, and really should be 'Hell hath no fury like a pregnant demon'.
  2. Not allowed to threaten to kill Lucifer if he doesn't stop coddling me.
  3. Not allowed to scare Chloe into refusing to let Lucifer anywhere near her by pointing out that she was most likely the intended target for the whole 'pregnant with the devil's spawn' thing.
  4. Not allowed to terrify Lucifer by telling him he's lucky that he didn't end up knocking up both me and Chloe.
  5. Not allowed to threaten to hurt anybody who thanks God for the fact that the demonic gestation period is apparently significantly shorter than the human one.
  6. Not allowed to make myself sick by laughing too hard at the look on Amenadiel's face when he sees pregnant me for the first time.
  7. Not allowed to repeatedly almost give everybody around me heart attacks by falsely claiming that I'm in labor.
  8. Not allowed to threaten our friends and the staff at LUX with violence for making me feel all sorts of stupid human emotions by throwing a surprise baby shower for me.
  9. Not allowed to kill anybody who asks if the baby is here yet.
  10. Not allowed to officially name our daughter "Hellspawn".
  11. Not allowed to start a fight over our daughter's last name with Lucifer, when I don't actually have a last name to pass on to the kid.



_Neither has he! 'Morningstar' is not really his last name! And it's a matter of principle! If the hellspawn needs a last name, why should she get his instead of mine! It's not like he and I are in any sort of formal relationship where that sort of thing is expected. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to loudly and repeatedly question Lucifer's sanity when he suggests that we should get married so the hellspawn can grow up with an intact family.
  2. Not allowed to tell Lucifer that if he thinks our daughter needs a family, I'm going to marry Chloe, because that way the hellspawn gets a big sister, too.
  3. Not allowed to accuse Lucifer of only wanting to marry me so the hellspawn gets his last name.
  4. Not allowed to threaten anybody with violence who uses baby talk with the hellspawn.
  5. Not allowed to attack Lucifer's sister on sight.



_She was trying to get close to the hellspawn. - Maze_

_I know, but she just wanted to see her new niece, and I gave her permission. - Lucifer_

_You gave the Angel of Death permission to see our daughter? - Maze_

_Angel of Death doesn't mean she actually kills anybody, Maze. You know that. - Lucifer_

_Doesn't mean she couldn't decide to make an exception. - Maze_

_Azrael would not be that stupid. - Lucifer_

_Are you sure of that? - Maze_

_Yes. - Lucifer_

_Alright. But next time you might want to inform me before giving any of your family members permission to see our daughter. And if grandpa decides to show up, he gets what's coming to him, no matter what you say. - Maze_

_Of course my darling. - Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to call Lucifer's mom 'grandma' or 'granny'.
  2. I must inform Chloe if Lucifer's dad ever shows up. She wants to have words with him.
  3. Also, if Lucifer's dad ever shows up, I must leave him in a state where Chloe can have words with him. No killing him until she is finished with him.
  4. The hellspawn is not the official mascot of the Legions of Terror.
  5. The members of the Legions of Terror are not the hellspawn's aunties.
  6. Nor are they her honorary sisters.
  7. Not allowed to threaten anybody with violence who asks if we're going to baptize the hellspawn.
  8. Not allowed to reply to the question if we're going to baptize the hellspawn with 'Well, we'd originally planned to, but we had to cancel it because you just can't get the sacrificial virgins nowadays.'



_Please tell me you were joking. - Chloe_

_No, it's true. And when I finally found a qualified virgin who was willing to do it, Lucifer just had to bed her before the ceremony, instead of waiting for the proper time during the ritual. - Maze_

_Wait. You mean the sacrificial virgins aren't human sacrifices? - Chloe_

_What? Oh, you mean are they killed. No, of course not. Lucifer would never stand for that. It's just their virginity that's sacrificed. Getting the other kind of sacrifice would probably be easier. - Maze_

_But this type is much more fun. - Lucifer_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations to Lesley-Ann Brandt on the birth of her son. Her pregnancy was the inspiration for the majority of the rules in this chapter.
> 
> Rules 351 - 366 are once again references to Torchwood, and the characters Ianto Jones, Toshiko Sato, and Captain Jack Harkness.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At long last, I've managed to scrape together the inspiration for another set. Hopefully, I will manage more in the future.

  1. Not allowed to steal a feather from every one of Lucifer's siblings I meet.



_I didn't steal them. I won them in fights. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to use the feathers of Lucifer's siblings to make working voodoo dolls of them, and then give the dolls to the hellspawn to play with.
  2. Not allowed to create a trophy case with all the feathers I've taken from Lucifer's siblings and hang it on the living room wall.
  3. Not allowed to put the trophy case in the hellspawn's room, either.
  4. When the teenage sibling of a member of the Legions of Terror develops a crush on me, I am not allowed to tell them that we can have naked fun together as soon as they reach the legal age for it.
  5. Not allowed to kill anybody who tries to give me grief about breastfeeding the hellspawn in public.
  6. Not allowed to kill anybody who wakes the hellspawn after I've finally managed to get her to sleep.
  7. Not allowed to post videos of 'Auntie Rae' getting spat on by the hellspawn all over the internet (both the earthly one and the celestial one).



_And how did you manage to get into the latter one, anyway? - Azrael_

_Celestial IT security is no match for my friend the evil genius. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror ambush Azrael.



_They didn't ambush her. They just wanted to visit the hellspawn, and she happened to be there, babysitting. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to let anybody know that Azrael volunteered to babysit the hellspawn.



_But it's such a good story! - Maze_

_Please, Mazikeen. If Michael finds out about it, he'll never let me live it down. - Azrael_

_You know, if your brother gives you any trouble, I have something that'll shut him up very quickly. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to try to corrupt the Angel of Death by tempting her with embarrassing videos of Michael.



_You have embarrassing videos of my dear brother? - Lucifer_

_Of course. Remember the stink bombs? - Maze_

_Wait. There are stink bombs involved in those embarrassing videos? - Azrael_

_Oh yes. They're absolutely marvelous! - Lucifer_

_Okay, now this I have to see. - Azrael_

_No problem, for the right price. - Maze_

_Maze... - Lucifer_

_What? All I want is regular babysitting services. It's not like I'm trying to get her to agree to a threesome with me and Chloe. - Maze_

_Thanks a lot for that mental image, Maze. - Lucifer_

_Yeah, thanks but no thanks. Never going to happen. - Azrael_

_If you say so. - Maze_

_*facepalm* Maze, that was not a challenge, and I forbid you to take it as one. - Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to try to seduce Azrael into having a threesome with me and Chloe.
  2. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror glitter-bomb the Angel of Death.
  3. Not allowed to post videos of the Angel of Death being enveloped in a cloud of glitter every time she flaps her wings on the internet.
  4. Absolutely not allowed to let the Legions of Terror glitter-bomb Lucifer.
  5. Not allowed to encourage the hellspawn to bite any of her celestial aunties and uncles.



_She's teething. She needs something she can bite on. - Maze_

_There are teething toys for that. - Chloe_

_She doesn't like those. And I meant something appropriate for a hellspawn. I bit my siblings when I was teething, but she's an only spawn so she can't do that. Lucifer's siblings are the closest thing she has to a proper teething aid. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to equip the Legions of Terror's model airplane club with military drones.



_They're not military ones. - Maze_

_They carry laser cannons! - Chloe_

_That doesn't make them military. In fact, the US military does not have drones with laser cannons. In the present time, anyway. - Maze_

_Maze, what do you mean by 'in the present time, anyway'? - Lucifer_

_... - Maze_

_You gave the little terrors military equipment from the future, didn't you?! - Lucifer_

_I did nothing of the sort. - Maze_

_Alright, your friend the spook did. - Lucifer_

_Ianto didn't do anything of the sort, either. - Maze_

_Oh come on, Maze. This has his sneaky, spooky fingerprints all over it! - Lucifer_

_No. Definitely not. - Maze_

_Mazikeen... - Lucifer_

_Not his fingerprints. - Maze_

_Ha! Tosh! - Lucifer_

_I can neither confirm nor deny... - Maze_

_Don't you dare trot out that spook talk with me, Maze. - Lucifer_

_She didn't give them any drones. Or laser cannons. Apparently, handing out future technology to civilians is frowned upon. - Maze_

_I still say she is involved in this. - Lucifer_

_I didn't say she wasn't involved. Just that she didn't hand over future tech. - Maze_

_... She taught them how to build drones with laser cannons?! - Lucifer_

_It was for a school project! - Maze_

_What kind of school project could possibly result in killer drones with laser cannons? - Chloe_

_With your offspring and her fellow terrorists involved? Absolutely any project, I expect. Maze, stop smirking. - Lucifer_

_Trixie is not a terrorist! - Chloe_

_You did refer to the lot of them as 'Maze and her unholy little terrors' only yesterday. Maze, do stop smirking. - Lucifer_

_That is not the same as calling them terrorists! And anyway, it was in the heat of the moment. You know I didn't mean it like that. Stop smirking, Maze. - Chloe_

_Are you two going to go on arguing like that? Because if so, I need some popcorn. - Maze_

_What? Maze! - Chloe_

_I'm just saying! Of course, you could skip the arguing, and we could go straight to the make up sex. - Maze_

_An excellent idea, my darling Mazikeen. - Lucifer_

_No. There will be no sex. And stop smirking like that, Maze. - Chloe_

_*smirks even more* Make me. - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to deliberately piss off Chloe just so we can have awesome make up sex.
  2. Not allowed to call the Legions of Terror's model airplane and drone club "The Drone Warriors".



_They chose that name for themselves! - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror play 'drone wars' in public airspace.
  2. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror arm their drones with stink bombs and carry out drone strikes on the school bullies.
  3. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror arm their drones with water balloons and carry out drone strikes on the school bullies.
  4. No more drone strikes. On anyone.
  5. "Angels vs. Drones" is not an awesome new game every child in the world should know about.



_I can't believe my dear siblings were foolish enough to answer your little terrors' summonings again. - Lucifer_

_*smirks* - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to let Captain Jack Harkness conscript the Legions of Terror as emergency backup troops.
  2. Not even in case of imminent alien invasion.
  3. No matter how much the little terrors enjoyed kicking alien butt.
  4. Bombarding invading aliens with stink bombs is not funny.



_Yes it is. - Maze_

_Yes it is. - Lucifer_

_Okay, maybe it is a bit funny. But it's also dangerous! - Chloe_

_So is getting invaded by aliens if you don't have stink bombs. - Maze_

_Can't argue with that. - Lucifer_

  1. Not allowed to brag about the fact that the fearsomeness of the Legions of Terror has now apparently reached intergalactic proportions.
  2. The Legions of Terror do not have a Navy.
  3. Lucifer's sailing yacht is not the flagship of the Legions of Terror's Navy, and they are not allowed to install cannons on board.
  4. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror play Battleships with any actual ships or boats.
  5. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror commandeer any ships or boats.
  6. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror build their own pirate ship.
  7. Not allowed to go on a raiding cruise with the Legions of Terror.
  8. Every member of the Legions of Terror who wants to participate in my planned summer camp must have at least one parent personally give permission for such a participation to Chloe. Written notes are no longer accepted.
  9. Not allowed to teach the Legions of Terror how to forge permission notes from their parents.
  10. No weapons training allowed at the planned Legions of Terror summer camp.



_Archery is a traditional activity for a summer camp! - Maze_

_Not with dynamite arrows. - Chloe_

  1. No training with not-officially-weapons allowed at the planned Legions of Terror summer camp, either.



_I just wanted to teach them how humans used to harvest grain in the past! - Maze_

_You seriously expect me to believe that that's the only reason why your little terrors were packing those sickles, scythes, pitchforks, and threshing flails? - Chloe_

  1. All activities for my planned Legions of Terror summer camp have to be approved by Chloe and Lucifer.
  2. Not allowed to dance with joy that finding out the truth about Lucifer and me has caused Ella to have a major crisis of faith.
  3. Not allowed to brag loudly and repeatedly about the fact that Ella said I'm an awesome friend.



_I admit that it is a bit annoying, but Chloe, please remember how incredibly rare it is for a human to say anything positive about a demon, much less call them an awesome friend. - Lucifer_

_Oh. Alright, Maze, I guess you have good reason to brag about it. I'm sorry, I didn't want to ruin your joy. - Chloe_

_Apology accepted, Decker. Because I'm an awesome friend like that. - Maze_

_*sighs* Yes, Maze. - Chloe_

  1. Not allowed to repeatedly remind Ella that the cute baby she's been going totally gaga over is actually a real, true hellspawn.
  2. Not allowed to complain about Ella going full-on science geek on me after I flashed my demon face at her.
  3. Not allowed to threaten Lucifer with violence for getting me an "Infernal Guinea Pig" t-shirt to wear the next time Ella asks me to visit her in her lab.
  4. Not allowed to throw a schadenfreude celebration when Ella wants to do the same barrage of tests on Lucifer that she did on me.
  5. Not allowed to laugh myself sick when Dan finally finds out the truth about Lucifer and me, and promptly freaks out.
  6. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror try "something they saw on TV".
  7. Especially if it was in a cartoon, or on Mythbusters.
  8. "More is better" does not apply to high explosives.
  9. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror place the camp fires at their summer camp in such a way that they form a magical sigil that summons a dragon.
  10. Even if the dragon turns out to be friendly, and knows some great campfire stories.
  11. Tales of horrible murders or bloody battles are not suitable campfire stories.
  12. Not allowed to let the Legions of Terror use unsuspecting humans or devils for lasso training.



_Ha, unsuspecting, right. Why were you sneaking into our summer camp if you didn't suspect something? - Maze_

  1. Not allowed to gleefully point out to Amenadiel that God has explicitly forbidden his angelic children from sleeping with humans, while never forbidding them from sleeping with demons. Therefore, him getting together with Linda is worse, in his father's eyes, than him having had sex with me.



_That really wasn't nice, Maze. - Chloe_

_Demon. We're not nice. And anyway, it's the truth. - Maze_

_You know he really loves the good Doctor, don't you, Maze? And she loves him. - Lucifer_

_Yes, I know. That's why I did it. - Maze_

_What? I thought she was your friend! Don't you want her to be happy? - Chloe_

_Of course she's my friend! And of course I want her to be happy! That's why I did it!- Maze_

_But... - Chloe_

_Please explain, Maze. - Lucifer_

_What do you think it will do to Linda if she gets all happy with him, and then he drops her because daddy doesn't approve? Better if they both think about the consequences right now, and make their choices before they get in too deep. - Maze_

_Oh. - Chloe_

_Do you really think he would... - Lucifer_

_I don't know. But if he hurts her, I will hunt him down and make him regret it. - Maze_

_No. If he hurts her, we will hunt him down and make him regret it. - Lucifer_

_Yes. - Maze_

_Okay. - Chloe_

_Okay? - Lucifer_

_What? Linda is my friend, too. - Chloe_

**Author's Note:**

> I will add more rules in additional chapters whenever I have come up with enough to justify posting


End file.
